Breaking Down

Sigh, I just don't know what to do. I cant get rid of these negative feelings. Paul called me again today and he starts in again about the visiting. Then its other things he was saying to was irritating me and making me mad. By the time we hung up my nerves were so bad. I mean really I was good before he called and he screwed my mood all up. I don't know what to do. I find myself wondering how I got myself into this situation and wishing things were different. I don't know if this is a temporary thing I'm going through or what. I sure hope so. Because I love him but right now I'm just not happy with him at all. It sucks because I have no one to talk to about this and I don't understand these intense negative feelings and emotions I'm having. And he has been calling me so much lately its not helping me because he just keeps during things to frustrated me more, so I'm just so annoyed with him right now. On top of that I'm just tired and frustrated from work too. I really just need a break to get away from it all. I seriously need a mental health day. I've been praying to ask God to help me through this and to show me what he wants me to do and open my eyes to what it is he wants to see. I cant even talking to Paul about this because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't want to say something that I cant take back, when I'm not even sure why I'm feeling this way. I mean I have been through so much with him the last 8 years and I don't want to give up on what we have because I'm having a hard time right now. I know that in every relationship there will be hard times and I guess right now this is one of them. I just feel like I'm going through it alone because he's happy right now and I'm not at all.

I need a vacation

Well, its been another one of those days. I mean really, 3rd day into this week you'd think just maybe it would be a bit better? Well actually work wasn't too bad for once, but it wasnt exactly good either. Got off on time but was still tired and had to wait on junior for awhile because of traffic. Came home and took a shower, then a nap...ate dinner and felt better until my dad started fussing at me because water was dripping from the bathroom faucet in the tub. Ugh! He always has to come home and complain about something. I mean its not like I did it on purpose. Then my mom starts yelling at me about a freakin candle thingie that my dad threw in the trash. I mean I didnt do it, why am I getting grief from it? So yeah after that I have just been hiding in my room. I just want to be left alone. I'm tired an annoyed and just want to have some peace, thats all. I wish I had a place where I can just get away from people period. Just let me have my books, pens and paper, tv/cable, and free wifi, a nice soft bed. Central heat and air, a fridge full of food, drinks and snacks, a big bath tub, bubble baths and a closet stocked with all of the essentials I need and I'm good. No people needed or wanted. Give me 2 weeks to just be to myself, I think I can rejuvenant myself to some type of sanity. I need something because right now I'm just not feeling it. I couldn't even just chill out and play Criminal Case because even the game is being stupid and slow and keeps freezing. Seems like the universe is messing with me.

Another one of those days

Been another one of those tiring work days. Not really much to tell. Paul called me today. I actually enjoyed talking to him today even though he still had to bring up the visit thing but he also said if it happens it happens and if it don't it don't. I hope he wont keep bringing it up every time he calls though. I was happy to hear he got that 2 man room he has been wanting for the longest. I took a shower and then took a nap when I came home. But I'm still out of it even though I have been up for awhile now. I'm ready to go to bed though, I'm so tired. I'm in the process of cleaning off my bed. I'm going to say my prayers early and get my butt in the bed, and then watch "Cat-fish" then I'm going to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow wont be too bad. I didn't even drink my kool-aide today cuz Mrs. Smith brought two 2 liter drinks. A coke and a sprite. I drank some of the coke. Plus Mr. McClarity bought me a dr. pepper. I guess this is all I have to fling into the river tonight. Train leaving the station early.

Exhausted

I am exhausted.  I don't have a lot to write about today but I just want to get into the habit of writing in here daily. Its so easy lately to start and then slowly fade away from it. I called at while I was at work and renewed my library books. I finished reading "11 on top" last night and started reading "12 Sharp" today. The crazy thing is I had brought my book to the teachers lounge, had my ticket with the phone number so I could call, then I realized I forgot my library card. After the craziness at work I had to go get me a krispie kreme donut. In the book I was reading Stephanie kept mentioning donuts and then Mrs. Smith asked if I wanted to buy donuts. I think I'm over people selling these donuts. Already had Teresa last year take my money and never gave me my donuts. Then my dad bought some donuts from some girls and they never came back with any donuts either. On top of that they will only give you a certificate for you to take to the store to get the donuts yourself. I mean dang if I got to go get them myself, I might as will just skip the middle man (or woman) and do it myself. I took a shower and took a nap earlier so I do feel a bit better but I'm so pooped. Sucks to be this tired on a Monday. The week has just started. Not a good way to start the week in my opinion. I've been so tired I couldn't even get into playing my face book games. Well, my show "Basketball Wives" is on and I'm getting a headache so I will end this here for now. Rolling it off my back and into the river. Taking off in the train...leaving the station.

Trying to find Peace

My Sunday was not bad. Today I have been trying to keep my mind occupied with positive things and positive thoughts and I have just been trying to relax and enjoy my day off. I have been lazy, I didn't even make my bed today. I usually take letters to work with me to answer but I'm all caught up on my letters so I don't have anything to write. So I guess I will just take my book to read. I made me a ham/turkey and cheese sand-which for lunch tomorrow. I will get a few pickles and some mayo at work. I'm also taking some plain lays potato chips and some tea in my water bottle. I caught up on watching my tape so now I can start recording again tomorrow. I'm just sitting here watching "Real Housewives of New Jersey" and eating a bowl of fruit. Now "Hollywood exes" is coming on. I'm going to try to finish this book so I can start this 12 book. I'm going to call in the morning to renew these books. I'm hoping it wont be a problem but just in case I'm going to put the books in my brothers car (except the one I will be reading, because that's going to work with me) so if they say I can't renew the books then I will have to stop by the library on my way home. So I guess this is about it for now. I need to get off this computer. Its a huge distraction. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day. If not I will be dropping it all off in the Rant River. Hoping on the train and leaving the station.

Stop Frustrating Me!

Wow. Here we go again. Frustration. Ok, where to begin? Second day in a row Paul is getting on my nerves. I don't know what it is. Maybe its because that time of the month is coming soon and I'm just on edge the reason my reactions are so severe, but I know its not only me. So here's what happens? I got my plate, getting ready to eat. Sub Sand-which and a bag of plain lays potato chips. Laid out all nicely on my plate, and a cup of Tahitian treat punch. My cellphone rings, and its him again. Now he is asking me how I feel about coming for a visit. Ok, I have been thru so much already to come and visit him. Going from being nervous, frustrated, cant sleep, having to talk to people I don't know and getting in cars with strangers, standing on the corner looking crazy, waiting on someone to pick me up and they never came, to getting my brothers friend to drive me up to the mall to meet some lady who I never saw there, and being told by mall security that we had to leave. I was home on Christmas morning crying. I mean seriously I don't think he has any idea how much I have been thru for him and all of a sudden he pops up asking if I wanna come visit again. He already knows I don't like to talk to strangers, specially not just hopping in the car with them. Then I have to try to explain to them how to get here. He always telling me all you have to do is this and all you have to do is that. Meanwhile I'm out here stressing out and struggling while he sits back all cool calm and collected while he waits on me to show up. This is not fair and I'm tired of it.
I'm going thru so much right now. I really don't need this on my plate right now. I feel like he asks so much of me, and because I love him I want to give him whatever he wants but I'm not getting what I need right now. I'm tired, frustrated, fed up and just don't want to be bothered right now. Sigh. I just want to enjoy my weekend. Can I enjoy my freaking weekend please? Specially after the horrible week I had. Ugh! I just needed to get that off my chest. So maybe now I can move on and just enjoy the rest of my day. Earlier today I watched "Bait Cars". Love that show! Then I watched "I Dream of Nene", and now I'm watching "The new Atlanta". Played my favorite Facebook games. Still not down playing Criminal Case. I'm addicted to that game. I had a pancake and 2 pieces of bacon for breakfast. A donut stick, and a chocolate covered ice cream with vanilla inside on a stick for lunch, and we already know what I had for dinner. We got a little rain today. My pen-pal Tea finally got the letter and $15 I mailed her for the pens she sent me. I just need to find away to release this frustration so I can find my happy place. Dropping this off at the Rant River and this train is leaving the station.

The Stephanie Plum in me (Dont tell me what to do)

I needed a place to vent. Somewhere new, so I made another journal. I'm so frustrated. So much coming at me. One of the people I like to share things with other than my brother is Paul. Junior is easy to talk to. He understands, he's been there. So he just listens and has my back. But Paul on the other hand, likes to tell me what I need to do. Now I love him and I know he is only trying to help but I don't need anyone else telling me what I need to do. I didn't survive this long, gotten thru what I have, and gotten where I am by listening to what other peoples opinions of what they think I should do. Now, here's the thing. I'm free. And he is locked up. So obviously I know a thing or two about what I should and shouldn't do. And its pretty clear that he doesn't know as much as he think he does or he doesn't have the best methods of going about things or he wouldn't be where he is. And the few times I have listened to him and his little ideas of what I should do, I ended up in a mess, when I should have just went with my gut to begin with. I mean come on. This is my life, I have to live it. He's locked up and as much as I love him, he cant do anything to help me from where he is. So therefore, the last thing I need for him to do when I talk to him on the phone is to tell me what I need to do. What I need is someone to listen and to help cheer me up and help take my mind off of things. I just really needed to get that out. I so wanted to tell him "Stop telling me what I need to do" but all that would have done is start an argument and that's the last thing I need. So I decided to make a journal to get this off my chest. I'm already starting to feel better. And wait, did he just yell for me to turn my computer sound down. He's lucky he wasn't next to me because I would have taken something and thrown it at his head. That would be the Stephanie Plum coming out in me. :) She doesn't like for Morelli to tell her what to do, and I'm the same way. The last thing for you to do is tell Stephanie she cant or shouldn't do something, cuz guess what? She is going to do exactly what you told her not to do. And I'm a lot like that too. Very stubborn and I don't take well to people telling me what to do. And I don't know if its just the culmination of everything that has happen this week, and I've just had it up to here, (plus I haven't had my nap) or if its a sign that my period is on its way (so not good), but either way. I just pretty much want to be left alone by most people. Because people talking to me right now is just not going well. So, I feel like the conversation could have gone so much better if he hadn't annoyed the crap out of me half the conversation. One good thing about having someone who you don't hear from a lot is if they start to get on your nerves, you get a long break from them, so by the time you hear from them again you have more than calmed down and you love them again, lol. Whatever, I'm calling this day a wash and starting over again tomorrow. You know the crazy thing is? I don't think Paul even noticed that I was annoyed. At all! So I'm either a good freaking actress, or he is just plain oblivious, who knows. Good thing though, because I really didn't feel like trying to explain what's wrong with me. Ok so...now that this rant is over with, I can throw all of these thoughts and feelings into the river. This train is leaving the station.